DAY 27: CLOWN

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

A man turns into a clown. Gobbles up some kids.

REVIEW:

Some people don’t like clowns and after watching this I can sort of understand why. CLOWN is a bit of a surprise for me. I was expecting this film to be about some derange killer dressing up as a clown and killing people. I was wrong. CLOWN is about a man who puts on a clown suit which he finds in a locked chest so he can be  a clown for his sons birthday. Its when the party is over he has trouble taking it off. Thus the transformation begins.

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CLOWN is a twisted monster film, it gives you very little hope for the guy turning into the monster and no foreseeable way in which he can reverse what is happening to him. The film is very dark, very few horror films have children dying or being killed and this film decides fuck that lets kill some kids and its bloody brilliant. Not many films touch that subject and CLOWN just went and killed a bunch.

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Clown is very good and setting up the story and the ending is also well played out. There are some points in which the film drags a little and the kid actor who plays his son isn’t that great but overall CLOWN is a good horror film. Its something new and different and any film that has a monster eating kids is alright in my book.

OVERALL:

THIS IS THE REASON PEOPLE DON’T LIKE CLOWNS.

RATING:

4KIRKS

DAY 26: GHOSTS OF MARS

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Ghost on mars go into peoples bodies and Ice Cube has to kill them all.

REVIEW:

From the master of horror John Carpenter, the creator of such classics as THE THING, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and HALLOWEEN comes the greatest film ever made about ghosts and Ice Cube.

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At no point is this film actually any good. Its awful. Everything about it is slightly shit. The acting is shit. The cgi is shit. The story is shit, but by god is this film fucking amazing. This is some good shit. Its so bad its amazing. So the main story of this film is that a bunch of alien ghosts are released from a giant wall and they possess whoever they come in contact with and treat everyone else as an invader of mars so they chop people up. A group of rag tag cops and robbers are stuck in this town on mars and have to fight their way out. Now here comes the bat shit craziness of the film. When you kill one of these ghost people they leave the body and go into someone else. So there is only a certain number of them. So the best thing to do is just maybe capture them all and lock them up. NOPE. Ice Cube just starts shooting mother fuckers. Blowing people up with food cans. Saying shitty one liners and the whole time he is wearing red camo trousers and a leather jacket. He looks like one cool mother fucker.

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I could go into how bad this film is at being an actual film and how this was John Carpenters slow decline into not giving a shit anymore but i’m not going to. I like this film. Its not any good but I enjoy it every time I watch it. So watch it and form your own opinion. If you don’t like it your’e wrong.

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Also the bit at the end where Ice Cube walks in with some chrome machine guns. No idea where he got them from but they look awesome also an honorable mention goes to Jason Statham. He’s in this and he doesn’t put on some crappy american accent of which he can not and will not be able to do ever. THE FILM IS THE SHIT. Bloody love it.

OVERALL:

YOU AIN’T HYPED UNTIL YOU SEEN ICE CUBE CAP A BUNCH OF GHOST ALIENS.

RATING:

3.5KIRKS

DAY 25: WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Some vampire friends have a documentary crew follow them around for a bit.

REVIEW:

One of the best films of the last year WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS is hilarious. From the creators of Flight of the concords comes a funny and enjoyable look at how vampires would live if they actually existed. Its not all the glam and mystic of other vampire films or terrible broody love stories between a girl and a vampire. WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS is  well written acted and the use of documentary style for the film is brilliantly executed. From the one liners to the visual gags and dead pan humour the film is bloody great. Watch it.

OVERALL:

Its on netflix so most people don’t have an excuse not to watch this film. WATCH IT YOU TWATS.

RATING:

5KIRKS

DAY 24: THE LAZARUS EFFECT

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Science and demons and stuff.

REVIEW:

THE LAZARUS EFFECT is a poor mans Event Horizon in a lab on earth. Olivia Wilde dies during an experiment and her boyfriend brings her back. She is dead for a little bit but when she is brought back she has all these mind powers and kills everyone and does the same thing she does to them. FILM OVER.

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Thats it and I got 90% of that from the trailer before watching the film. Its the usual stuff with science and how if you mess with things you don’t know anything about you gonna die.

M182 (Left to right.) Mark Duplass and Olivia Wilde  star in Relativity Media's "The Lazarus Effect". © 2013 BACK TO LIFE PRODUCTIONS, LLC  Photo Credit:  Suzanne Hanover

THE LAZARUS EFFECT is alright. Its got a great cast, its just that not a lot happens and by the time you get to all the good scary stuff the film is over in about 10 minutes. I will keep this one short and sweet. The film is alright but as usual with most modern horror films they’re all just a bit naff and this falls into the same area of naffness.

OVERALL:

Its alright. It was worth a watch but nothing to shout home about.

RATING:

2.5KIRKS

DAY 23: DRACULA 2000

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Dracula has risen and he’s sexy man from 300 and only Johnny Lee Miller can stop him.

REVIEW:

DRACULA  2000 is shit and I mean right proper shit. You have Gerard Butler as Dracula and he is bloody awful. Johnny Lee Miller looks like a child playing with wooden sticks and the rest of the cast consists of the baby dick from scary movie and that guy from the 70’s show, the one who isn’t the main guy, Ashton Kutcher or the mexican fella the other one and some other people who you recognise from other tv shows but never bother to learn any of their names or who they’re.

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The story goes that Van Helsing caught dracula in a fence or something and instead of killing the prick he kept him in a coffin surrounded by booby traps and used his blood to live a lot longer than he should. Until the stupid criminals steal said coffin and unleash the terror that is Butler playing Dracula in the year 1999. Im not even sure it mentions the year 2000 in the film. It was just released at that time so might as well stick the number 2000 on it. Now for what its all worth Dracula has some redeeming qualities well only one and that is you can tell people you have seen it and then tell them not to watch it. THE POWER OF CINEMA PEOPLE.

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The film is shite.

OVERALL:

Dracula 2000 is terrible, I saved you two hours YOU ARE WELCOME.

RATING:

1-2 kirk

DAY 22: TURBO KID

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

the year is 1997 and the world is a wasteland, it needs a new hero MAD MAX  TURBO KID.

REVIEW:

TURBO KID is a fun film, unfortunately it doesn’t have much else. The year is 1997 and the world is baron wasteland and water is scarce. Everyone is living like mad max but on a bmx. This is Mad Max on a bmx but with out the massive chase scenes and brilliant action. The main problem with TURBO KID is that it tries to hard to be like a b movie action film of the 80’s. I know that its meant to be like that but it seems all too forced. The main reason for this is the action scenes. They have people getting chopped up and limbs flying all over the place but each action sequence is very staged and slow. When someone gets killed or chopped up they’re very static and then they’re dead.

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Now the characters, Turbo kid himself is alright and his companion is also very good at being annoying. The bad guy is very hammy. Everything is over acted and it gets tiresome after a while. I wanted to really enjoy TURBO KID I really did but it seemed all over the place and with TURBO KIDS friend constantly getting killed and coming back to life got very old very quick. It didn’t help with each set and place looking the same you couldn’t really tell were it was set or what distance they had traveled it all just looked the same.

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TURBO KID lacked story and that is its downfall. Only Turbo kid had a back story and there is a mention of war between robots and humans but that is it. Nothing is mentioned as to why everything was crappy. Or why nobody had cars or anything, also everything looked to clean and like halloween costumes. Shame really because this would have been really good if it had a bigger budget.

OVERALL:

Its a fun film to watch but its novelty soon wears off after the first 40 minutes.

RATING:

2.5KIRKS

DAY 21: STUNG

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

GIANT EVIL WASPS, STINGING PEOPLE AND SHIT.

REVIEW:

I hate wasps. There are two things in this world I can’t stand and one of them is wasps. So this should have sent shivers down my spine and made me poop myself. NOPE.

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STUNG should have been fun, it should have been entertaining but its not. Its an odd experience. You feel as if you spend most of the film waiting for the giant bugs. The actual bugs have very little screen time and there is too much time setting up for the big reveal of massive bloody wasps. Too much time is spent of a relationship between the two main leads who you couldn’t give less of a fuck about. The characters aren’t well developed the story is boring and there just isn’t enough wasps in a film about MASSIVE FUCKING WASPS.

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But from what there is of the monsters in STUNG its good. Not great but it will do. There isn’t much detail in to why the wasps have got really big and why they’re attacking everyone. STUNG is just a bit meh, its not a badly made film, its actually pretty well made but I just didn’t like it and felt a bit underwhelmed by it.

Im still scared of wasps.

OVERALL:

Its ok, won’t be watching it again anytime soon.

RATING:

2.5KIRKS

DAY 20: THE BABADOOK

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

A single mother struggles with the death of her husband and her kid thinks there is a monster under the bed.

REVIEW:

I found THE BABADOOK to be an odd horror film. Its a sort of mash up of psychological horror and a haunting monster film. Its also a very different look at how someone is dealing with losing a loved one. The mother played by Essie Davis is in excellent form and shows great range when it comes to dealing with a monster and an annoying kid. That being said Noah Wiseman as her son is brilliant. From the get go you feel the mothers pain of dealing with her child as he is annoying from the start also slightly insane. Im not going to go into what the plot is but the film does sort of make you think if THE BABADOOK is actually real or if it is this families way of dealing with the father/husbands gruesome death and ultimately about letting go and moving on.

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THE BABADOOK has a nice look, with the very dark colours of grey and blue, it matches the look of the book in the film as well. It as if each scene has been drawn with charcoal and sets the mood and tone of the film very nicely. Now the bad parts, it does feel like the film drags in the middle and with the the boys constant screaming in most scenes its a little off putting and you just want it to get to the point as well. The ending is also a bit shit. With the constant questioning you have going then leading to the final moments. Is this woman having a breakdown, is her kid mental and its driving her insane or are they just both crazy its a real shame it ends the way it does.

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What the film does get right is that its scary. When the babadook is ever about you feel the tension and the dread of the characters. Its does what it is meant to do and scare you. None of this cheap jump scare crap, but the slow creepiness of the babadook. Is he behind a cupboard, under the bed or just hiding in the sock draw. You never know and it freaks you out.

OVERALL:

A nice little horror film that scares and makes you scared of reading kiddie books.

RATING:

4KIRKS

DAY 19: PHANTOMS

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

A whole town missing. Ben Affleck must use his chin to solve this mystery.

REVIEW:

WHY PHANTOMS IS THE BEST FILM ABOUT MOTHS AND BEN AFFLECK AS A SHERIFF.

REASON 1:

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REASON 2:

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REASON 3:

PHANTOMS

REASON 4:

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REASON 5:

Straight after winning an oscar this is the shit affleck makes.

OVERALL:

WITHOUT THESE REASON PHANTOMS WOULD BE SHIT. TERRIBLE SHIT THAT STINKS LIKE POOP. Actually its pretty bad with these reasons, plus side there is a dog in this film and it out acts everyone.

RATING:

2.5KIRKS

DAY 18: TALES OF HALLOWEEN

WHAT DID I WATCH?

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WHAT’S IT ABOUT?

Several tales of horror set over one night in the same town.

REVIEW:

TALES OF HALLOWEEN is several tales set in one night on all hallows eve, From monsters that want candy, to living pumpkins that eat people and my favourite a small little demon man who won’t leave you the fuck alone. Each short film is written and directed by a different people but all happen on the same night and same town. Each store is unique and interesting. As every story blends together you sort of forget you are watching several short films.

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It also has cool little reference to other horror movies and directors my favourite being the first story in which the kid puts a chocolate bar on the floor and it says carpenter on it. Its also surprising to find that each story had a slight bit of humour some more than others. There are even some twists and turns and some pretty dark points during the film. I enjoyed this and it is nice to see a film get the spirit of Halloween and horror films.

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Some of the tales are a bit hit and miss as you would find with many films such as this, but it still move along at a nice pace and you don’t find yourself drifting off waiting for the next tale. Its also the special effects used, theres practical effects with people being chopped up and there is even a bit of stop motion in a weird sort of friday the 13th meets invasion of the body snatchers tale. TALES OF HALLOWEEN is a well made and just generally entertaining film. When horror is done right this is what you get.

OVERALL:

4KIRKS

RATING: